Shore she can

Divorce is a failure.

Divorce will ruin my children.

Divorce is the worst thing that can happen to me.

If my marriage ends it’s my fault.

Everyone will look at me differently if I get divorced.

In short, it was my worst nightmare and I was certain that it would break me.

So fueled by that fire I slowly but consistently ignored all of the signs of an unhealthy marriage. I ignored the fact that I was with a man that suffered from depression, anxiety, jealousy, and explosive outbreaks.  After all, I was a fixer. I was drawn to people that were  projects and I had chosen a man that was the ultimate project. I felt that I could love him enough for both of us. That I could be happy enough for both of us. That I could be playful enough for both of us. That I could relax enough for both of us. That I could be committed enough for both of us. That he would learn to trust me, learn to commit to me, that he would feel secure enough to let go and enjoy the amazing life that we were building. Along came careers ( his being one that comes with no sleep, no set schedule, HUGE STRESS and one of the highest divorce rates )...next came a mortgage, baby number 1 and then baby number 2. With that came the distance that most couples face in those first few years of raising a family...but for us it was more than that. I was losing a grasp on who I was partly because I was a mother now but more importantly because I had been trying so hard to become something that I thought might make my husband happy. My children and I walked on eggshells, never knowing what mood our house would be in because his mood set the tone for us each day and that was almost always;  stressed, overworked, grumpy, short and tired. It became UNBEARABLE. I tried everything. I begged him to try anything. He did the best he could. He was loving the best he knew how to and it was nothing like I knew I was worthy of.

He was treading water, just barely keeping his head afloat. I made attempts to get myself to shore...I found a life float... he’d call me back, “help me”...I’d swim to him and try and pull him in ...but he just kept pulling me under.

I was drowning.

Yet, I still had this FEAR...DIVORCE IS FAILURE AND WILL BREAK YOU.

After 17 years of being in a relationship with this man and devoting my life to HIS HAPPINESS I had finally reached my breaking point. I knew that I had only one choice and that was to face MY BIGGEST FEAR and save myself.

I got in my life float and I paddled to shore.

I didn’t turn around, I didn’t look back.

I paddled to shore.

And guess what? Divorce did break me. It shattered me into a million tiny pieces. So many pieces that I had no choice but to put myself back together never to be exactly who I once was and that’s when the magic started...